Recurrences

On my way up to Dublin the other day in the car with Eoghain, it was so clear that I could see Benbulben, all the way in Sligo...it gave me itchy feet...and put a longing on me.
Then yesterday on my way to Pages...Nephin was so so clear...well it was like I could just reach out and touch it.

I haven't thought about Kylemore in the same way since I got my tattoo...and I think thats the reason why.
I put a stamp on it, sort of. A The End. And I guess some sort of closure came with it.

But when I see mountains...well I just cant help myself I suppose.


Me and Alex were in Clare about two weeks ago, for a couple of days with her folks...and we were in mountains the whole time...but its the Burren, so their mountains are a bit different to Connemara's...
But I got to see my mountains on the drive home...which made me happy...

I think when I settle, somewhere, eventually, whenever that happens...I will have to be near mountains and water. I dont think that that is too much to ask :)

The ocean and lakes really centre me. I instantly feel at ease, as if I am totally safe and no more harm can come to me.
And mountains...well there's something magical and powerful and unsettling about them, isnt there?
They sort of put us in our place, because we feel so small and insignificant. And I think that's important.
Its good to know that your not the biggest thing out there. That nature is actually alot more powerful then everyone put together. She has the upper hand in all things.

We have to remember that

The First Night

Major event-less, the first night was mild.
Easing us into the festivities.
Fueled by cider I announced my readiness to face the dragon.
But unprepared despite the long dressing and
make-upping sessions the rest were occupied with,
I was make up-less, and so resolved to continue application once the destination was reached

We scurried on, wanting to get to the pub before closing.
The two lagging behind
RIGHT, well go back for them or well never get there!
Turn and approach the crowd.

There they are, amongst the throngs of women, smiling.
Reveling in dresses.
Standing out in street lights.
And there she was, fangs glimmering,
Not at all changed.

Turned on my heels and felt myself move
very quickly out of there.
Perhaps o wasmt so ready.
No-not at all.

Fight or flight...
I chose flight, and flew the coop.
Before I knew it I was halfway up the town
when the little one met me.
Bright eyes she turned me on my heels
again.
"Come on, I'll go with you, it'll be ok."

Oh drama, drama, girl fucking drama.
If only i could control, alt, delete that part of my history.
Would you like to send an error report?
No, not really.
You cant fix this particular virus.
And ive crashed
Shut down.

I avoid eye contact and rush to the toilet,
Hopeing we will all be ready when i come out.
But no such luck.
Standing in clusters, my girls are tied
up with the smallest of talk with people
I dont know from Eve.

And there she is
Hide in Fie's shadow
Together we will fight her off.

She looks over but makes no attempt at
Communication or Parlay or Treaty
Good
Lets keep it at that.

While there is no tension, the situation is not tense-less.
I am on edge, eventhough there is no immediate threat to my safety,
I know i will be second looking everyone.

Here I am, essentially alone.
And like a cat, cornered i will strike.
Im sure she knows that.

We leave in a group, finally, and
rejoin the others.

Fileing into a pub Ive never been to or even seen before, its
dark and crowded and warm.
It all becomes too much
Clostrophobia and agrophobia combine to force me outside.

Closing time and the pub locks up and us out
No food in this town, its all closed.
On a friday night?
STRANGE

People talk. Random people join the group
People wander home.
I spot her talking to my little sis.
Looking over I ready myself beside Fie who
is too busy with conversation fo shield me.
Act inconspicious
In red shiny shoes, and Mary Poppins outfit...
How!?
But Laura diffuses the situation and
sends her on her way
I am relieved and relax for the first time all night.

Thank god for Lala, you lived up to your promise.

Back home I attempt to explain my
reasons for not wanting to talk with the dragon, and
after several interruptions and numerous changes of subject
I succeed to relay the events of those last few months
3 years ago.

We retire to bed and the little one said roll over
And still in the same position I fell asleep in,
I wake.

Part One: The trip down

The green blanketed, rough rising mountains
rose up ahead, infront of me,
Ushering the water to the sea.

My eyes translated their emerald green
into the dove grey I remembered them being.

"Do you feel anything?"
"Butterflies?"
"Do you feel like you are going home?"

I feel like I am in a time machine-
Lipstick red, zooming along the slick black
snake of the road, a serpentine conveyor belt,
twisting and wrapping along the foothills of those giants.

I feel...

There is a break in the clouds and the
sun kisses her slopes and heavy arms-
The water twinkles. The sheep lay by the roadside...
Were these ones lambs the last time I was here?

Then the rain again. Pelting down
Go Away!
Go Away!
We fly through it and come out the other end
The familiar road. The same cluster of trees.
Nothing has changed here.

And I feel...

Welcome to...
Oh, there she is! Grey and gloomy and dull as ever
I have seen her looking better.
The lake appears upset. Moving. Unsettled
I will see you again tomorro.
I promise.

"So how do you feel..?"
Anxious
Sick
Worried
Not excited, not happy.
"You'll be ok, once your there. Its just going to be squeeling girls. Youl be fine"
I regress to 15. I feel like I am going there for the first time. The same line of conversation plays out.
A little encouragement
A strange feeling
Keep going
Dont slow down

Suddenly the mountains and closeness open out and I am met by open bog and brown hills.
Not so friendly. Not so nostalgic.
But I did see a stag there once...
I swear!

At the parking lot a bit of confusion.
Where are we staying anyway?
A quick phone call, around the corner
And there I see the two smiling down at me.
My adopted sibling. You haven't changed a bit,
Except your hair...like a 30s Flapper,
Lovely indeed

Fairwell mammy. She waves goodbye to me
Her 4 year old, 15 year old, 22 year old-
I am still her child, and she will always be my mother.

I feel...

We collect ourselves, hugs all around.
The gang is back together again. Plus a few
Minus a few. But main elements in place,
We begin living in our time capsule.

If you lived here, you'd be home now

I walked alone, down the familiar path, towards a familiar place I hadn't seen except in my daydreams.
But I turned at the split in the road
While she felt the same, I could not bring myself to wander alone, I had seen enough of her to know, that she knew, I was there.
I pressed the flat of my palm against the roughness of her trees,
still squeeking, but taller then I remembered
And I stretched my eyes as far as they could go, willing them to race around the corner and fill me with happiness.
I missed the Arch, where I used to sit and stare, understandingly at my mountains
I didnt go down that path, I dont know why. I think we ran out of time.

Sitting, just sitting. Looking around at all that once was and always will be, minus us...and the others
I felt like I was at a wake.
Like she had passed on and we, were remembering her
But I felt warmth...like for a moment...she regained life
Thanking us for all coming at once
Wanting us to stay
Save her from something she had no power over

That place was never a home to me
It was so much more
because even when I was alone, I never felt it
She was the greatest of all lovers

I could feel myself looking around, sketchy...as if I didnt want her to see that I had returned
"You never call...you never write..."
But I felt forgiveness, instantly

Walking away, my heart broke
Again, broken hearted
Leaving her, again
Again the tears came
and here I am, again
Wishing for just one more day
Im her glorious warm mountain arms,
cool ghostly lakes
And stone

My heart is broken
because I know
We will never be together
Again